We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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