Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
