My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
