things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
