as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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