im so drunk with asians
where?
always
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
