jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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