He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
