i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
