You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
