I wish I could punch you in the face.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
