I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
