And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
