matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
