Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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