this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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