Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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