True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize