I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
