I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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