can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
