true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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