My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
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I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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