omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
