When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
