I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
