I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
