It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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