I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
