Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
