I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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