i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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