why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
