Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His hands were made for my vagina.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
