im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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