You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
