I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
