3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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