i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
