Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
that's an acceptable place to lick
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
