Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
