when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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