Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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