Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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