I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
