bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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