Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
