wrigley field is MILF paradise
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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