In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
