I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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