Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i think i have two assholes
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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