i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
