It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
