mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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