New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The beers last night were like the tears from god
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
