So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
