the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
